* "All men are idiots, and I married their King."
* "Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder."
* "I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar!"
* "Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks."
* "I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?"
* "Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?"
* "Forget about World Peace... Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!"
* "Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."
* "Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."
* "The more you complain, the longer God lets you live."
* "I'm driving this way just to make you mad!"
* "Give Pizza Chants."
* "Bad Cop! No Donut."
* "Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma."
* "Yesterday was the deadline on all complaints."
* "Work facinates me, I could sit and watch it for hours."
* "I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent."
* "The number of people watching you is directly porportional to the
stupidity of your action."
* (This one on a little kid's shirt) "My human experience is just beginning."
* "If you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly."
* "Join the Army: travel to exotic distant lands; meet exciting, unusual
people and kill them."
* (Over a sketch of the Titanic) "The Boat Sank. Get Over It."
* "The future isn't what it used to be."
* (On a baby-size shirt) "Party -- My Crib -- Two A.M."
* "Upon the Advice of MY Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This
(with special thanks to Nuri Vittachi)
* In a Japanese Hotel:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID
* An airline ticket office in Copenhagen reminds you:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS
* In a Paris hotel elevator:
PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK
* In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS,
ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY
* On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR
* Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
* In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS
* In the window of a Swedish furrier the message reads:
FUR COATS MADE FOR LADIES FROM THEIR OWN SKIN
* Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan:
STOP: DRIVE SIDEWAYS.
* In a Swinn mountain Inn:
SPECIAL TODAY -- NO ICE CREAM
* In an Acapulco hotel:
THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE
AUTHENIC AMUSING HEADLINES
(collected by The New Republic)
FISH LURK IN STREAMS
--Rochester, New York, Democrat & Cronicle
ALCOHOL ADS PROMOTE DRINKING
--The Hartford Courant
MALLS TRY TO ATTRACT SHOPPERS
--The Baltimore Sun
OFFICIAL: ONLY RAIN WILL CURE DROUGHT
--The Herald-News, Westpost, Massachussetts
WACHTLER TELLS GRADUATES THAT LIFE IN JAIL IS DEMEANING
--The Buffalo News
INFERTILITY UNLIKELY TO BE PASSED ON
STUDY FINDS SEX, PREGNANCY LINK
--Cornell Daily Sun
LOW WAGES SAID KEY TO POVERTY
MAN SHOOTS NEIGHBOR WITH MACHETE
--The Miami Herald
MAN RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN DIES
--The Los Angeles Times
SCIENTISTS SEE QUAKES IN L.A. FUTURE
FREE ADVICE: BUNDLE UP WHEN OUT IN THE COLD